I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
