I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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