Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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