The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
