There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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