Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
