Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Sober January is a disaster.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
