Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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