I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
