I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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