Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
