why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
that's an acceptable place to lick
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
