can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I need to sanitize my soul.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
