I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
