What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
