i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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