If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
