Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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