Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Randomize
