Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
