6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize