Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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