this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
