Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You pole danced in your parka.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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