I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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