where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
