so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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