There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
