hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize