omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
