im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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