My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
