He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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