so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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