The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
where are my pants?
in the oven.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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