Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
