My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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