So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Cover your peen. We're going out.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
