The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
