dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
