Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
