meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
