Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
