I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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