So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize