I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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