all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
