Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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