i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
