remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
