You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Did I show you my penis last night?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
