i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
soo... how was my night?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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