I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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