I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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