Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
