just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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