I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
