Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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