Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
