why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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