some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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