i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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