Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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